Today is a day to recognize that sobriety is not a get out of jail free card...

During my two affairs with alcohol I made a lot of decisions that caused some collateral damage. I can apologize for my past behavior, I can forgive myself, but I cannot hold resentment against those who are not ready to forgive me. I had days where I woke and thought “Oh my gosh I can’t believe I said that, or I can’t believe I did that terrible thing” and yet I picked up another drink knowing there was a chance I would do it again at some point. 

Another thing to recognize is that alcohol abuse was not my only character defect it just tended to amplify some of them. I was also like many others a great justifier, I drink because of what others do and say, I drink because life happened I drink because I am angry.  I am angry because you won’t listen to me, I am angry because someone offended me, I am angry because I can’t control everything and everybody and on and on I would go. Like a hamster on a wheel spending lots of energy and not getting anywhere.

The first time I quit drinking I was still angry a lot of time. I was angry that I couldn’t drink like other people, angry that life wasn’t perfect, angry that I wasn’t worthy. I carried shame and guilt everywhere I went and eventually I started drinking again. 

Now I have found an easier gentler way to live. I surrender my will over to a higher power. I have ceased fighting everything and everybody. When I get angry and find myself wallowing around in the mud again, I look around and choose to climb out and let those feelings slip away. For all those years I thought someone was holding me down when in truth all I had to do was look up to see a way out and a different path. 

I do not get to choose how others choose to react to my new way of being or how long it takes them to trust that I will stay on this path. They have every right to their opinions, and I cannot change their minds for them. All I can do is the next right thing and continue to work on keeping my part of the path free of debris. 

Rosetta Sanders