TODAY IS A DAY for what now…..

  I have started down a path I have been on before the one free from the fierce grip of alcohol. This was the topic of discussion at at meeting this fine Sunday morning “What Now “I ask myself,” So you quit drinking what now and why do you think this will work this time around”. 

  What I have now that I didn’t have before when I picked up that first drink after 11 years of sobriety is connections. A connection to my higher power as well as a connection to others on the same journey. What I don’t have this time around is the shame around my alcoholism. I see now that the reason I accepted that first drink after all the years of sobriety is that I didn’t want the other person to know my secret shame I was an alcoholic. So I took it and nursed it all night and I remember feeling a slight sense of dread and loss. I remember it was a wine spritzer I thought that would have less alcohol than hard liquor. After that night I began to have a drink now and then and I thought this time around I had alcohol thing under control. This time around I didn’t drink and drive, this time around I didn’t drink too much at once. This time around I didn’t get black out drunk.  Eventually this time around I wound up in the emergency room suffering from pancreatitis, wow that was painful. I remember still writhing in pain when the doctor said I had an inflamed pancreas which was common with people who abused alcohol, my husband bless him, was quick to defend me and said I didn’t drink that much. This doctor didn’t know me he had no right to say that. Well after five days on the nothing diet, I was released with no information about pancreatitis, so I looked it up. What I learned was that it was people who have expericned it should not drink any alcohol and should eat a low-fat diet. What I decided after a couple of months was that I should choose between the two and I chose alcohol and so began the dance. How much could I drink and not have a pancreatic flare up. Then gout and arthritis showed up and I read I shouldn’t drink and should avoid sugar so I tried to find a balance there cleaned up my diet some more cut all sugar unless it was mix for a drink or two at night, after all I couldn’t be expected to be perfect. I reached a point where I knew I should quit for good and I would say when this bottle is done and then pick up another on my way home I would stop and start berate myself as to why was this time so march harder I convinced myself it was easier the first time I quit. Not true that time around, I had therapy and did a lot of journaling that usually started with I have such a headache, I was quick to anger and as I stomped up the stairs my husband would occasionally ask if I was going to write in my journal again26 days. I woke up to as I had begun to call a talking to from my pancreas. I felt I was a sign from my body that I needed to think about my behaviour and I decided that a pancreatic attack was not how I wanted to leave this earth. I am not afraid so much of dying but of leaving in such an undignified way, I pictured myself writhing in pain so strung out on pain meds I didn’t recognize the loving family members who were there to support me. 

Connections 

I knew from my studies and other spiritual work that we need connections to get past obstacles, feel important and feel a sense of wellbeing. So, I finally made a decision to connect with other Alcoholics . It just so happens that in this modern age I can make these connections online and find fellow travelers practically anytime I need to.  In meetings I can find I can receive energy, shared experiences and empathy to carry me forward through the rough patches. I bought the big book on kindle, audible and ordered a paper copy which I received three days ago. 

 What’s in name 

This morning for the first I was able to name the feeling that I was experiencing the day I took that fist drink after 11 years of sobriety. The feeling that was stronger than my resolve to stay on the path of sobriety. It was shame, I truly respected the person who was asking me and I didn’t want her to know I was an alcoholic so I “Yes”. Now that I have named it I find it has a weight and rawness to it. Now I can soothe it and heal the part of myself that felt accepting the drink was easier than not. When I took sociology of the family I remember reading about a tribe where the infant mortality rate is rather high and mothers don’t name their babies until they are a year old. They do this so that should the infant not survive the grief will take less energy and allow the mother to care for her other family members and still contribute to the tribe. Now that I have some distance from this event, I can see it for what is was a moment in time with an infinite amount of choices available. Should I be faced with a similar event in the future I can hold my head high and make the choice to reach for a connection within a larger community rather than a drink. 

I am not ashamed of using an inhaler for my asthma or accepting help when my arthritis prevents me from doing what came easily in the past. I have a dis-ease when It comes to alcohol, it means I cannot drink socially, casually or just to relax after work. 

 No one else lives in my head

Only one person knew that day that I was alcoholic, and she could have said a variety of things other than yes. She could have said “not tonight”, “no thank you”, “I am on medication” or “I thought it was a race and I already drank my share this time around” anything but “yes”. I am today thankful that the universe provided the right conditions for me to finally heal this moment in time. So what now? I continue on my journey with my load a little bit lighter. Knowing that there is security in numbers and should a storm appear on the horizon there are many willing to provide a safe heaven.to you all whomever you should be in advance I say thank you, thank you thank you.